Me And Donnie

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Ok, so I've decided not to use this journal anymore at all, so anyone who wants to keep in contact with me add gestorter_engel
This journal is going to be deleted soon as well. So you can remove it from your friends list or whatever. Thanks guys.

Public: New Journal.

Alright, I made a new journal. After this journal is no longer paid for (which ends in November) I will be using my other journal from now on.
I'll be using it starting when Hayden is born (which is this month.) So if anyone wants to remain on my friends list, add me over there and I'll add you back.

gestorter_engel is the new name. Thanks!
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful
Me And Donnie

The WORST day of my entire life is today...

So, this is going to be complicated. I don't even know if I really want it out in the open, but I guess I mine as well tell everyone.
I'm sure you all remember me talking about how mom said her and dad wanted to talk to me about something important.
Well, this morning they sat down with me and told me about my life when I was young. Come to find out, which I've always said I thought this...
I was adopted, when I was 2 1/2. That wasn't TOO much of a shock to me, the real shock, was when I found out who my real mom was...
My sister in law's (Judy) sister, is my mother (Becky). Which makes Judy, not only my sister in law, but my aunt as well...
To set that aside, that makes my brother (Mike) my uncle, too. That also makes my neice and nephew my first cousins as well.
To make things even worse. My mom, and half sister (Brandy) are dying of aids. They're also giving it to everyone they sleep with and not telling them.
The only people in the family who turned out half decent is my two brothers, (half) Kent and (MAYBE FULL) Brian.
I always knew I felt closer to Judy than anyone in my family, and that's why... And again, to make things even worse...
No one knows who my dad is, there is a possiblity he's my mom's step brother, Noah. He's was in California somewhere last everyone heard.
So, now, if he's my dad, that would make Judy my half sister as well. Of all the horrible things I've heard of my sister's family...
Then to find out, I am my sister's family, is the worst fucking feeling that I have ever felt in the entire world.
My mom said she kept me since I was 7 months, they finally finialized the adoption papers which I now have, when I almost 3.
She said Becky didn't take care of me at all. I was abused, raped, molested, used... She said one day she came in and I had duck tape on my eyes and mouth.
Another day I had swallowed rat posion. Becky kept me fucked up on medicine all the time. She kept me dirty all the time covered in shit.
She's a crack whore, living in a crack house now, with my half brother Kent. They're all still in Mississippi except my dad, so we think anyway.
I'm going to Miss. tomorrow to meet them all. I don't really know if I'm ready for this. I don't know how to react, or what I think, or say.
I'm scared. I'm hurt. I feel like trash. Complete utter trash. I've been trying to joke around about everything, but it's getting to me bad...
I'm upset with mom and dad for keeping this from me my entire life. They said they were going to tell me when I was 21, but since I was leaving, they did it now.
All the lies, all the deciving... I don't know what to say to anyone... I can't think straight. I have a headache. I feel so fucking empty right now.
Everything I thought I was, was a lie. I'm not German. My family who I thought, wasn't really my family at all... We're all a mixed family, everyone's fucking related.
How fucking sick and disgusting is that? All these years I made fun of my ex Jason for his dad being his uncle, and now I can't do it anymore...
Mom said that's the reason they moved from Mississippi, they didn't want me growing up into that, and they didn't want me to know anything about my past til I was 21.
You know I sit and think to myself and I say... This is a whole new reason for me to leave LA and start my life over...
I want to know who my dad is, and I fucking promise myself, I will do that before I do anything else in my life, and I will fucking confront him for abandoning me.
I have so much more to say, and I don't even know where to fucking begin, I'm so hurt. I dug up old baby pictures of me, and pictures of my real family.
Everyone says I look so much like Noah, but they're not sure if he's my real dad or not... Mom said I'm the only kid that she left anyone full adopt.
I guess that shows how much I was wanted, doesn't it? Did she really want nothing to do with me that bad? Or was I really kept from everyone from all these years?
Brian is the only person who has tried to contact me that I know of. He called me a year back and mom told him to never call again, of course I didn't know what was going on.
Mom gave me my baby clothes, she said when she first got me they went in Wal Mart and spent over 300 dollars on me, she calls me her "Wal Mart baby" now.
She said anytime she watches that movie "Where The Heart Is" about the Wal Mart baby she starts crying and thinks of me. I always wondered why she cried.
She gave me my adoption papers and some pictures of my mom and Judy. They don't have any of Kent, Brian, or Brenda.
So in conclusion. I've found out, what in actually I always wondered about... My REAL name is Memri Rychelle Chenault. And I'm stuck in an incest family.
I always wondered why I was so different from my family, and didn't look like anyone. I was always sick and in the hospital with something.
Mom said that's why she was always so over protective. She didn't want me to turn out like my real mom and my sister.
My worst fucking nightmare has come true. I think the thing that hurts the most of all this, is that my grandfather, who I was so close to, wasn't my real grandfather.
I wonder if I'm actually as fucked up as Judy is? I always thought I was, now I think so even more since I'm related to her. I wonder if I'm schitzo/bipolar too.
I think I've said enough here. I'm leaving around 9 in the morning. Probably be back that night. I'll post again when I get back. Goodbye.
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable
Me And Donnie

Friends only, again.

What, did you expect to come to my journal and read all of my enteries again?

Well. I've come to the conclusion I will be making my journal friends only again for the time being.
I'm sick of little sneaky noobs reading my journal, and commenting.
However, if you want, you can be added by commenting and asking.

Drama free is the way to be. (Yeah, I said that, bitches.)
I made this LJ friends only once, now I'm making it permanant.
If you want to be added, comment.
Otherwise, fuck off.
Thank you and have a nice life.

Trolls, assholes, noobs, assclowns, save your time.
Don't bother adding me because I will NOT add you back.

I think you get the fucking routine here...

  • Current Music
    Smile Empty Soul - Silhouettes
Me And Donnie


Fucking LJ clean up time.
Anyone who DOES NOT COMMENT here WILL be removed.
If you want to stay on, comment.
If not, then don't bother commenting.
I don't care who you are, good friend or not.
Comment, or you'll be poofed.
The ones who have been removed and comment anyhow, will be reconsidered.

I'm sick of alot of people on here.
I'm sick of alot of drama.
I'm sick of people reading my shit.
I will probably end up going back to friends only for awhile.
I think alot of shit needs to settle before people are ready to read my enteries.
So, comment, or begone.

PS: YES, that means YOU JAY.
Comment, or go bye bye, biatch.
And anyone else who feels they hold an important space in my heart.
  • Current Mood
    groggy groggy
Me And Donnie

Friends Only.

My journal is now friends only.
Due to all the nosey individuals reading my journal.
So, if you don't have Live Journal, or you aren't on my friends list, and want to read my life...
Comment in the post under here.
I will either give you a code, or add you to my journal.
Thank you.

  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished