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The WORST day of my entire life is today... - My Mind Is A Very Dangerous Place...
...Beware Of Terrible Afflictions If You Enter.
disturbedangei
disturbedangei
The WORST day of my entire life is today...
So, this is going to be complicated. I don't even know if I really want it out in the open, but I guess I mine as well tell everyone.
I'm sure you all remember me talking about how mom said her and dad wanted to talk to me about something important.
Well, this morning they sat down with me and told me about my life when I was young. Come to find out, which I've always said I thought this...
I was adopted, when I was 2 1/2. That wasn't TOO much of a shock to me, the real shock, was when I found out who my real mom was...
My sister in law's (Judy) sister, is my mother (Becky). Which makes Judy, not only my sister in law, but my aunt as well...
To set that aside, that makes my brother (Mike) my uncle, too. That also makes my neice and nephew my first cousins as well.
To make things even worse. My mom, and half sister (Brandy) are dying of aids. They're also giving it to everyone they sleep with and not telling them.
The only people in the family who turned out half decent is my two brothers, (half) Kent and (MAYBE FULL) Brian.
I always knew I felt closer to Judy than anyone in my family, and that's why... And again, to make things even worse...
No one knows who my dad is, there is a possiblity he's my mom's step brother, Noah. He's was in California somewhere last everyone heard.
So, now, if he's my dad, that would make Judy my half sister as well. Of all the horrible things I've heard of my sister's family...
Then to find out, I am my sister's family, is the worst fucking feeling that I have ever felt in the entire world.
My mom said she kept me since I was 7 months, they finally finialized the adoption papers which I now have, when I almost 3.
She said Becky didn't take care of me at all. I was abused, raped, molested, used... She said one day she came in and I had duck tape on my eyes and mouth.
Another day I had swallowed rat posion. Becky kept me fucked up on medicine all the time. She kept me dirty all the time covered in shit.
She's a crack whore, living in a crack house now, with my half brother Kent. They're all still in Mississippi except my dad, so we think anyway.
I'm going to Miss. tomorrow to meet them all. I don't really know if I'm ready for this. I don't know how to react, or what I think, or say.
I'm scared. I'm hurt. I feel like trash. Complete utter trash. I've been trying to joke around about everything, but it's getting to me bad...
I'm upset with mom and dad for keeping this from me my entire life. They said they were going to tell me when I was 21, but since I was leaving, they did it now.
All the lies, all the deciving... I don't know what to say to anyone... I can't think straight. I have a headache. I feel so fucking empty right now.
Everything I thought I was, was a lie. I'm not German. My family who I thought, wasn't really my family at all... We're all a mixed family, everyone's fucking related.
How fucking sick and disgusting is that? All these years I made fun of my ex Jason for his dad being his uncle, and now I can't do it anymore...
Mom said that's the reason they moved from Mississippi, they didn't want me growing up into that, and they didn't want me to know anything about my past til I was 21.
You know I sit and think to myself and I say... This is a whole new reason for me to leave LA and start my life over...
I want to know who my dad is, and I fucking promise myself, I will do that before I do anything else in my life, and I will fucking confront him for abandoning me.
I have so much more to say, and I don't even know where to fucking begin, I'm so hurt. I dug up old baby pictures of me, and pictures of my real family.
Everyone says I look so much like Noah, but they're not sure if he's my real dad or not... Mom said I'm the only kid that she left anyone full adopt.
I guess that shows how much I was wanted, doesn't it? Did she really want nothing to do with me that bad? Or was I really kept from everyone from all these years?
Brian is the only person who has tried to contact me that I know of. He called me a year back and mom told him to never call again, of course I didn't know what was going on.
Mom gave me my baby clothes, she said when she first got me they went in Wal Mart and spent over 300 dollars on me, she calls me her "Wal Mart baby" now.
She said anytime she watches that movie "Where The Heart Is" about the Wal Mart baby she starts crying and thinks of me. I always wondered why she cried.
She gave me my adoption papers and some pictures of my mom and Judy. They don't have any of Kent, Brian, or Brenda.
So in conclusion. I've found out, what in actually I always wondered about... My REAL name is Memri Rychelle Chenault. And I'm stuck in an incest family.
I always wondered why I was so different from my family, and didn't look like anyone. I was always sick and in the hospital with something.
Mom said that's why she was always so over protective. She didn't want me to turn out like my real mom and my sister.
My worst fucking nightmare has come true. I think the thing that hurts the most of all this, is that my grandfather, who I was so close to, wasn't my real grandfather.
I wonder if I'm actually as fucked up as Judy is? I always thought I was, now I think so even more since I'm related to her. I wonder if I'm schitzo/bipolar too.
I think I've said enough here. I'm leaving around 9 in the morning. Probably be back that night. I'll post again when I get back. Goodbye.

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

14 Touches To The SoulTouch My Soul
Comments
lt_howitzer From: lt_howitzer Date: June 15th, 2004 05:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs in hopes of making your day a little better*
disturbedangei From: disturbedangei Date: June 15th, 2004 09:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks babe.
lt_howitzer From: lt_howitzer Date: June 15th, 2004 10:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're welcome...anytime. :)
onsunset From: onsunset Date: June 15th, 2004 06:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're not trash. You're a beautiful person.

I hope everything works out for you. *million hugs*
disturbedangei From: disturbedangei Date: June 15th, 2004 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks hon.
eviltenet From: eviltenet Date: June 15th, 2004 06:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
shit.

that sounds like an awful lot to take in
one sitting. i hope this works out in
the end. and i hope you get through all
this well and quickly.

you are a good person memri.

*hugs*

disturbedangei From: disturbedangei Date: June 15th, 2004 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks sweetie. Means alot to me.
From: hatebird Date: June 15th, 2004 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
wow.. im really sorry to hear that

if i were to find out that ANY of that stuff was going onw/ me i really dont know what i would do.

get well.. goodluck
disturbedangei From: disturbedangei Date: June 15th, 2004 09:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks Jason.
thegr8bofeenee From: thegr8bofeenee Date: June 15th, 2004 09:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hmm.

--" I wonder if I'm schitzo/bipolar too."

Oh come now, having multiple manifestations of the self isn't always a bad thing...Wait, who am I kidding?

For the record, I locked the crosspost thread of this on the forum to prevent anything from coming of it.

Be well. Its better to know all this rigamarole now than at some other more awkward juncture. Leastaways you can find a possible small relief in knowing the truth.
disturbedangei From: disturbedangei Date: June 15th, 2004 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hmm.

I am somewhat relieved... But still hurt. I always knew. I asked mom constantly if I was adopted. She always denied it. It hurt the most finding out I was really a Chenault.

I think I found someone who might be my dads number. *Ponders on whether or not to call it tomorrow*
imthearchangel From: imthearchangel Date: June 15th, 2004 10:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
I wish you the best. I know it can't be easy having all of that thrown at you all at once. Just because so of you family is messed up doesn't mean you are too. You're a beautiful young woman that just had a shit hand dealt to you. I'm sure everything will work out for you and you can become a better person from it.

lots of *bighugz*
disturbedangei From: disturbedangei Date: June 15th, 2004 10:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks hon. I hope I can better myself and not turn out like them.
From: antidonnie Date: June 16th, 2004 02:33 am (UTC) (Link)
damn
14 Touches To The SoulTouch My Soul